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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Quick Fixes for Heartbreak Hunger

DON OF SWAGGER

An individual who possesses a large amount of swagger, or poised confidence, in the form of being well-polished, well-dressed, and much appreciated by the opposite sex.

Justified, Brit Brit
In 2002, native Memphian and Don of Swagger Justin Timberlake had his heart ripped out and publicly stomped on by the panty-less Queen of Cra Cra, Britney Spears.  The whole world watched as rumors and mud-slinging of Spears' infidelity and  immediate remorse hit every media outlet.  Then, like a phoenix rising from the figurative ashes of a sh!tstorm, our man from the M wrote a power-ballad that continues to remain relative a decade later..... "Cry Me a River."  In one of the best "eff you" moves of all time, the heartbroken yet surprisingly handsome JT brings in a smoking hott broad, films their philandering, and leaves it on the telly for the cheating skank to see. 


Oh, young love.... you are a son of a beeyotch.  In the inevitable quest for true love, every one of you dummies will endure a medically-fictitious aliment known as heartbreak.  What does heartbreak have to do with food?  Well, where is the first place you feel it, goober? Your stomach. duh.  Now not everyone is as resolute as JT, and not every heartbreak is due to cheating. And while the jury is still out on whether or not I have a real heart (or soul for that matter) and empathize, I can perhaps sympathize with you, dear readers, and try to not sound as ridiculous as some of the d!psh!ts preaching to you via "The Rules", "Chicken Soup for Retards", etc.

First of all, not one heartbreak feels the same.  For that reason, I will break down some different scenarios with different solutions... because, after all, not every douche performs in the same way as the next.  Right? You bet your sweet a$$.  But in order to be that phoenix and rise, you need to be the best you can be, sans the baggage.  And the only way to do that is to feed yourself in such a way that provides comfort, nourishment, and keeps you on the fast-track for your revenge body.


The End Due to Incessant Arguing
This one definitely sucks, because there is obviously passion there.  However, just because the bed bouncing is good doesn't mean the relationship works, and the decision has been made to end it. ouch.  You feel lonely and, most of all, stressed out from all of the damn yelling.  While your stomach is in knots and telling you not to eat, I strongly encourage you to reach for comfort foods... but not like a pint of Ben N Jerry's, you cow....more like a bowl of warm oatmeal, which actually boost levels of serotonin, a calming brain chemical. 

You Were Just a Hump and Dump
Denial is not a river in Egypt, and you finally realize that the 2 am calls, no dates, and lack of commitment are not due to a "crazy work schedule", but due, rather, to what I would assume to be his or her's very healthy sexual appetite topped off with a dash of commitment issues.  Oh, brother, do you feel embarrassed and belittled.  But everyone has been there, and I'm not Oprah telling you what to do with your damn life, I'm the Foodie Call Girl here to tell you what to eat. Oranges are supa high in vitamin C. Studies suggest C can reduce levels of stress hormones while strengthening the immune system.  Also, replacing the sweetness of the fudge brownie with the sweetness of an orange can take some some jiggle off, thus leading to a better looking and feeling you (ie one step closer to finding a replacement in philandering).  


You Got Cheated On
It can happen to anyone, gurlfran
Everyone does, indeed, make mistakes.  Some people come forward and sac-up to their dalliances, some wait until you find out through the rumor mill, and some simply use it as an escape plan.  However, one thing is certain: you have been betrayed and feel like Gabourey Sidibe is sitting on your chest.  No one likes having decisions made for them, and while buster may be sorry, your digestive system is way sorrier.  So let him or her go out for a burger with a steak at home, and as Popeye never lets stress or anything else get the best of him, take a leaf out of his spinach-paged book.  Spinach is full of magnesium, and too little magnesium may trigger headaches and fatigue, compounding the effects of stress and depression.  You will be in a much better position to place a value on yourself and your  relative position in forgiveness when you feel some sense of relief. 


You Don't Want the Same Things
Perhaps the partner isn't ready for procreation and adding to an already over-populated society. wah.  Or maybe marriage is a word that send his or her genitalia shriveling upwards like a cowardly missile.  Either way, you are not going to win for losing, and you have decided to call it quits.  And while your prospects for procreation are temporarily kaput, your body still is running those laps of the reproductive cycle.  Omega-3 fatty acids, found in fish like salmon and tuna, can prevent surges in stress hormones and protect against heart disease, mood disorders like depression, and premenstrual syndrome.... and no one wants to lock down a shawty with crazy PMS. 

Long Distance is Not Working
It is a sad thing to watch a romance fizzle and die like the bubbles of cheap champagne; loss due to longitude and latitude can suck like a Hoover, and moving on can be stressful and painful.  Enter the almond.  Almonds are full of helpful vitamins. There's vitamin E to bolster the immune system, plus a range of B vitamins, which make the body more resilient during bouts of stress, such as depression.  Eat about a quarter cup a day to get the benefits, and then go find someone within cabbing or walk-of-shaming distance. 


A universal cure-all is physical activity.  Now I understand that the only comfort you feel is in your bed, beer in hand, with a box of Kleenex and the Hoarders marathon on the TV.  Allow yourself one or maybe even two days of this behavior, and then let yourself get pissed off.  Now I know that anger and hate are destructive and unhealthy, but they are also one helluva motivator.  Go to a kickboxing class, or even follow a routine on YouTube.  Being pissed and figuratively beating the sh!t out of your heartbreak will make you feel and look better.  Go to yoga if you are the one who screwed things up and you are looking for piece of mind.  Yoga will help you find balance and the capacity to forgive yourself.  


The wisest advice I have ever received is from Mother Dearest: "When you don't know what to do, don't do anything."  So don't worry and act impulsively because you are concerned about moving on or forgiving or being alone.  You are WRECKING your digestive system with all of this mushy, soul searching, partner-needing garbage.  Instead, fall in love with yourself like our very own JT, take care of your diet, squeeze into that game-changer dress or pantie-dropping suit, and go get 'em, you Don of Swagger.  Because if these dummies can find love, anyone can.


-Stephanie