The Heavy Truth about Masticating Modestly

Riviera Ready!

Before you jump to filthy conclusion, let me reassure you that "to masticate" means "to eat or chew", not to do what you do while you cry in the shower.  During the weeks (or months) following the incessant masticating and drinking benders that always seem in fashion for the winter, I find myself in a constant state of denial and excuse-making for the extra jiggle in my step... which is crap, because I know it's from the seasonal beer, hearty pasta, and the fact that my running shoes are collecting dust in my closet.  And so begins a song and dance as old as holiday traditions themselves: loose the chub before your fat-ass has to put on a swimming suit. 


In order to loose the extra pounds, you obviously need to be burning more calories then you are consuming.  But before you start one of these cockamamie diets of pureed beets or only foods that end in "k", strongly consider the following: the only diet that works is one that practices moderation.  I can almost guarantee you that once you start denying yourself continuously, you will eventually break.  And when you break, you will snap like Christina Aguilera's girdle at a Chinese buffet. 


Indeed, moderation is the key to success in a healthy diet, and a healthy diet will not only enable you to loose the chub, but have a stronger immune system and clearer dome-piece as well.  However, I will recommend that if you're jonesing for something, try substituting it for something similar but healthier.  In fact, one way to kick your habit is by making a list with two columns, with one labeled "FOODS I SHOULD AVOID" and one that says "FOODS I CAN SUBSTITUTE".  In the first column, put something like "hamburgers", and in the second column, put something like "turkey burgers".  Understand that ground lean turkey and ground lean beef only differ slightly in calories and grams of fat; however, you won't readily find a turkey burger at McDonald's, and that is the point. duh.  Fast food joints and burger dives practically force fries and grease on you.  However, places like Huey's offer turkey (or black bean) burgers with whole wheat buns, no butter, and a side salad instead of fries.  Huey's also has several locations around town and is easy to get take-out from.  Now you have won the battle and are beggining to win the war, because you have appeased your craving and dodged some calories while you were doing it.  Booya!


If you are really not in the mood to squeeze your muffin top into anything other than sweats, please do the public a favor and enjoy a turkey burger at home.

Handy Andy's Hawaiian Burgers

2 lbs lean ground turkey

4 tbsp crushed pineapple (drained)

3 tbsp minced red onion

1 1/2 tbsp low sodium teriyaki

whole wheat buns

lettuce, pickle, tomato, and whateva else tickles your fancy

Finely chop the red onion, and drain and pat dry the pineapple.  Add them and the turkey to a large mixing bowl.  Add the teriyaki, and hand mix.  Pat out four burgers.  Whether you are grilling outside or stove-topping it, be careful with the patties.  They can break easily.

As you progress, you can add more to your two lists, and be aware that some exercise doesn't hurt either, dummy.  Valentine's Day is coming up soon, and if you are planning to be naked, don't make your date have to pry off your Spanx with needle-nosed pliers or mistake your panties for a parachute.  You still have time.....




-Stephanie