Can't Beat Camp Meat

	CAMP MEAT
	1. Person you would only pickup at a campsite or remote area due to the lack of options. 2. Term for the selected protein for a campsite.  This is usually low-grade, cost effective chicken that is soggy due to poor cooler management. It's a beautiful day in the hood, my friends.  And at the risk of sounding like that puppet-molesting, Geritol-popping, orthopedic sneaker-wearing geezer, nothing tickles my pickle like a good meal out-of-doors when it's as gorgeous as it is today.   Eatin' Well Out-of-Doors If you are a weekend warrior who fancies him or herself an "outdoorsy" person, take note: it is muy importante to take emphatic detail of what you are schlepping to the hills in regards to food.   First of all, camp constipation is a very real thing.  Look up "digital extraction" on youtube.  It ain't pretty.  Secondly, raise your hand if you want to be the beavis that packs sustenance for the group with the intelligence of the Memphis City Council. Anyone? Anyone?? Bueller?? Didn't think so.   To pack your camp food, I strongly encourage for the non perishables a large Rubbermaid container (you can find them at Target or Wal-Mart).  It's just way more efficient and space-savvy to have everything compartmentalized that way.  Bring fare like rice, black beans, and fiber-heavy bread.   Now for the refridged items: styrofoam coolers are for losers; invest in a real cooler, brosef; you will use it again, I promise.  Instead of loading it with ice or icebags (which makes a mess and makes good food soggy), invest in freezer bags or freezer blocks, and have them READY IN ADVANCE, DUMMY.  That way, you can stop at the last hole-in-the-wall station and getchu some ice for your toddies without most of it being melted and covered in chicken blood.  You need fiber in your food, dearies.  And (DUH) lots of water.  And I mean in addition to the water you drink, dipwad.  You need to bring foods that are high in water content, like fruits, because you need to...wait for it..be hydrated.  Apples are easy, as is applesauce.  This notion goes double if you're climbing or hiking or marathon philandering.  Staying hydrated also helps in the pooping department (and don't think "Gross! Pooing in a food blog!" duh, that's what happens when you're done processing food.  You poop.  Shut the hell up about it.) Protein (camp-meat) is also a good thing to have on hand.  I am a big fan of granola, dried fruit, a carton of egg whites or synthetic egg (Real eggs break, dummy. Don't pack em), and turkey bacon.  And then the obvious choice is peanut butter.  It's loaded with protein, and it has a variety of things you can do with it (watch yourself, perv).  Don't believe me?  Think camping cuisine is boring and gross and all soups and smores? Think again, you idiot! Campfire Satay: -7 tablespoons peanut butter -3 tablespoons soy sauce -16 ounces pre-chopped chicken, beef, or tofu -head of broccoli -pre-chopped onion and bell pepper -peanuts -2 tablespoons vegetable oil -mixing bowl with lid (I actually bring Tupperware and use it for mixing, as well as a plate or bowl.  It makes storing leftovers super-easy) -aluminum foil -bar-b-que tongs -matches (don't be that jerk who forgets), newspaper or start logs, and timber or coals coals should look like this Toss your protein, soy sauce, peanut butter, peanuts, and chopped veggies in a covered bowl.  Get it good and mixed, ya nut.  Then add desired amount of broccoli (fiber, fiber).  Pour that goodness into a makeshift "hot sack" (this is where you fold about a foot of aluminum in half, over the mixture, and then fold in the side.  Then cinch all sides until it's securely closed).  I sometimes double-bag it (PERV!) so that the food doesn't break out and get wasted in the fire.  Now, you should have built a fire in advance, so that the timbers have had time to go down to a super-subtle, almost extinguished state.  I mean, like, the damn thing needs to look like it's nearly out.  You actually want to put your hot sacks underneath the timber.  Check the chicken after about 20, and don't eat it pink; you don't want to be sick in a tent and embarrass yourself more than you already did when you thought that stick on the trail was a copperhead. I also strongly suggest you invest in a single-burner (Target carries one by Coleman that is only about $17).  You get that and bring an iron skillet, and you're ready for a fall camp feast.  And since I love to camp, and this is my blog, I will revisit the subject of camp food often.  Don't like it? Suck it, nerd. Saddle up with your inhaler and stick it to the great outdoors.   -Stephanie