Get Baked

I bet some of you are sitting there, scratching your heads, and trying to figure out why a pastry chef/baker who writes a damn food blog doesn't write about pastry or baking.  What, like I want to encourage any competition in an unstable market?  Shall I hand over the keys to my kitchen to ya, too??

"I ain't on point all tha time"

Joking aside, baking can be super frustrating; it can also be rewarding.  Every day I spend with the convection ovens (I call them Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dipsh!t) is a constant cage-battle death match.  Zeus knows I am no chemist, and while I've been around this doughy block a time or two, the proverbial crap can hit the fan, and when it does, you have to be a good sport about it..... Even the great Paula has her days, I'm sure.  Hell, I had to throw out about 50 bucks worth of cupcakes on the day the darn paper was coming to interview me (shameless self-promotion plug: http://www.gomemphis.com/news/2011/oct/27/meet-the-chef-stephanie-beliles/?preventMobileRedirect=1).

There are, however, a few helpful hints I could maybe spare, just as a "thank you for reading" gesture.  Hell, I might even throw in a recipe.  But not my red velvet, so quit asking; stop being cheap; just buy the damn things from me.


1.  Know when and why to use either baking soda or baking powder.  Baking soda needs to be mixed with an acid, like vinegar, cream of tartar, or buttermilk, in order to create carbon dioxide gas.  That's what makes your doughs rise, you saucy thing, you.  Baking powder already contains the acid and only needs moisture.  


2.  Don't use buttermilk unless the recipe calls for it.  If it does and you realize you don't have any, just add about a tablespoon of white vinegar to about 8 ounces of milk and you got yo'self a buttermilk substitute, mane.


3.  An offset spatula is a chef's best friend (after a sharp knife, of course).  An offset is not only key in frosting crap, but it's a great tool for prying stuff out of collars, muffin tins, etc.


4.  White chocolate and regular chocolate are way different to work with.  I was a pastry chef at this restaurant (I refuse to promote it because the owner is a giant douchecookie), and I got the distinct pleasure of working with this Herculean of a man named Jessie; Jessie also moonlighted as a chocolate wizard for Dinstuhl's (upcoming blog).  Jessie helped me through my frustrations with the melting point of white chocolate: white chocolate melts at a lower temp, and can burn really easily.  You want to use white chocolate that is of good quality and NO VEGETABLE FAT CONTENT.  Sometimes I cheat and put some Crisco in the double boiler with the white chocolate; this helps with the clumping.

5.  It's called "following a recipe" for a reason.  If the damn recipe says put in a quarter of a cup in at 2 minute intervals, than do it that way.  Making shortcuts makes for disappointing food.  Baking is a kind of chemistry, ya know.

6.. Splurge on cake flour for cake and cupcake recipes.  If you insist on being a tightwad, then sift the all-purpose flour 3 times.

7.  Yes, there is a very big difference in sea-level baking and high-altitude baking.  It took me roughly 10 times to get my popovers to...well...pop over (duh.).  I had to do everything from messing with moisture measurements to using higher grams of protein.  If you are a high-altitude Foodie Call reader and you bake, then my chef hat's off to ya; it ain't easy, and those cowboys and hippies heard this southern girl curse like a pirate when I was baking in Montana. There is no magical fix, either.  It's just trial and error.  Sorry 'bout it, bucko. 


So those are some things I have had to learn the hard way- Merry Effing Festivus, you needy wolves.  And speaking of Festivus, the only holiday tradition I enjoy more than watching my ginormous brother getting loaded on lemoncello is a good ol' chocolate pie.  Now I'm not going to sell out my grandmother and give you her recipe, because that's top secret and I probably don't like you that much....

SOUTHERN CHOCOLATE PIE, YA'LL
1 1/3 c white sugar
3 egg yolks
1/4 c unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4 c all-purpose flour
3 tbl butter
1 (12 fluid oz) can evaporated milk
3 egg whites
6 tbl white sugar (different measurement from up top, dipwad)
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
1 (9 inch) pie shell, baked

Combine 1 1/3 cups sugar, flour, and cocoa in a deep saucepan. Beat egg yolks with milk. Slowly add to sugar mixture. Cook on medium heat until thick while stirring with a flat bottomed wooden spoon. Remove mixture from heat, and stir in the butter or margarine until melted. Pour filling into baked pie crust. 

Now, momma always makes meringue topping, and you should, too. Whip egg whites in a glass bowl or a kitchen aid. Add remaining sugar one tablespoon at a time (because you may not need all of the sugar, and because I already told you to follow the damn steps of a recipe, jerk) until peaks form. You may need to add cream of tartar to help add stiffness (or just work on ya weak game, gurlfriend...haaaaaa). Spread the meringue over the chocolate filling.  Bake at 325 until the peaks of the meringue are browned.

not pretty, ladies.... shut it down

Enjooooooooy baking, because it's the holidays, and Macy's is filled to the brim with sweater dresses and leggings that will hide any muffin tops you may have forming on yo'self.


-Stephanie