Wine and Cheese for Dipwads

WINEOCEROS A wineoceros is one who consumes large amounts of wine- amounts comparable to those required to intoxicate a rhinoceros.  This beast is known for its unstable footing and subsequent destruction of most anything that is not bolted to the floor. Hello, my name is Stephanie, and I am a Wineoceros.  Now I am not implying that I am a sommelier (wine steward/wine expert/pro wine ho) or have a cellar full of expensive French wines.  On the contrary, I usually drink the beeyotch before it has the chance to be stowed.  And I ain't spendin' no 60 bucks on a bottle, that's fo' damn sho.   When I was in Montana, there was a woman by the name of Carol that was, in fact, a sommelier.  What made this gal so cool?  She would taste less-expensive bottles, rate, then recommend to the less fortunate (ie me and my broke ski bum friends).  What else was great about Carol?  She knew the biz on pairing wine and cheese.  Boom. Wine and Cheese, son I want you all to know that I feel confident in saying that I could live a very happy life if offered nothing but wine and cheese for every meal.  My bowels might not agree with me, but I digress.  When you are entertaining or invited to a soiree, nothing is easier yet seems more refined then bringing a bottle of wine and some good cheese.  Oh, you don't bring anything to dinner or cocktail parties?  Well, you're cheap and were probably raised by wolves. Get it together, rookie; you're making yourself look stupid. So I am here to help those of you who are less-than-competent in regards to (a few options of) pairing and buying.  Hell, I'll even give you some of my tried and true cheap favorites.  You're welcome, and happy early Festivus: WINE AND CHEESE PAIRINGS -Champagne with brie: Tres sexy, oui?  I recommend  Nicolas Feuillatte Brut and a triple cream brie like St. Andre.    -Sauvignon Blanc with goat cheese: I recommend Starborough Sauvignon Blanc.  I drank at least 30 bottles of this over the course of 1 summer. -Chardonnay with parmesan: Hunky Dory Marlborough Chardonnay is the bomb.com.  Pair it with Pleasant Ridge Reserve parmesan and you have a winner.  -Chianti with fontina: So very Italian, which makes it rad.  I like Ruffino's Chianti Classico ("Classico" is referring the region, and with Chianti, is supposedly the "best" region.). -Merlot and gruyere:  Most of Chateau St. Michelle's Merlots are pretty darn good.  Roth Case gruyere is a favorite of mine. -Cabernet Sauvignon and gouda:  OK, I don't care what any of you winesnobs think: I love The Show Cabernet.  And the bottle's label was designed in Nashville.  Suck it. Don't be afraid to mix and match, ya'll, because as long as you bring something, you look better than all of the clowns who brought nothing.  Wanna go all out and really impress? I bet you do, you cracker.  Well, then, why not make your own pate: Yummy! DUCK PATE FOR DUMMIES: 1 lb duck liver sausage 1 tbs milk 1 tbs chopped onion (or onion powder) 8 oz cream cheese, softened 1/2 tsp brown sugar 1/2 tsp minced garlic (or garlic powder) 1 tsp chili powder 1 tbs Worcestershire sauce Just mix it thoroughly all together, ya goober.  Cover and store in the fridge until it's go-time.  Bring some toast points or crackers to really class it up. Now don't you look cultured..... -Stephanie